It wasn't long ago that Julia and I would end our evening in bed crying together. It was our exhaustion, our grief, our sadness over what we were experiencing. Slowly the intensity of the grief lessened and the crying was contained until our therapy appointments. For some reason it returned last night. I was struck by a slight feeling of sadness and emptiness. And I realized River was difficult to connect with that evening. He seemed distant to me. I am afraid of that distance. Even though he smiles and laughs I am fearful that we won't be able to connect. Frequently our relationship feels one-sided. We give, we interact, we chatter, but we don't always get back. Never had I imagined that I wouldn't be able to connect with my son. It's a simple desire, connection. It means so much to us as humans, as mothers. So today I was sad, even depressed, but I allow myself to experience this and know that I will feel better soon. Tomorrow or the next day I will have a different perspective. I will again appreciate the gifts that he brings to our lives.
River, Katie and a new book from the President of the Southern branch of the RAWC Fan Club.
1 comment:
Your honesty left me breathless. Love, S
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