Grayson is almost 8 weeks old. It's hard to believe that I've been his mom for almost 2 months, and sad that I'll be going back to work in just another month. I am surprised by how bonded I am with him. I never felt this with River... I spent so much of my energy soothing him and trying to determine why he was upset. I wasn't able to experience the little moments of pleasure that I am having with Grayson. And breastfeeding... I love it. It was a struggle with River because of his weak suck and uncoordinated suck/swallow. Even bottle feeding was difficult. Feeding didn't become easy until he got the g-tube and we figured out which medications he needed to regulate his digestion. So to be able to feed Grayson peacefully by breastfeeding feels like a miracle. I am so grateful for this, and each little wonder I notice. His new smiles, his reaching out. His wide open eyes as I say his name. I am taking it all in. I am drunk with love for this little being.
And to contrast this blissful experience of motherhood is my relationship with River. Lately it feels like a struggle. River has not changed, but I have. My time and energy exhausted by Grayson. Most days I feel emotionally empty to be with River. It saddens me and worries me. Will it get better? Will I be able to reconnect with River? I think I know the answers to these questions but it doesn't stop me from asking them. Thankfully he and his mama (Julia) seem to be sharing a strong bond. I have to defer to her so much to meet his needs. And his PCAs... we couldn't do this without them. They know him so well, sometimes I think better than I do. It really has taken a village to raise River.
Reading in his stander
1 comment:
You are such an articulate and honest Leo. With your Cancer Moon being full with emotion. I think the articulation is easy because it issues from the Leo honesty. I share this myself. I feel every word of course - because I'm part of your life. But I also believe everyone who reads your words can feel the love and raw honesty. It's clear that it is deep and needs to be expressed.
Fear not Nana - I'm a witness to your expression here and who you are, and for three years a witness to your love for River. Grayson is new and wonderful and a very different experience. This difference is exactly why you and Julia decided to do this again - and everything about it is as ok as the day you made that decision.
Trust me. You and Julia and Grayson and River are on a path together and it is going to constantly change and evolve and be beautiful.
You haven't lost River and he totally accepts the time and love you are sharing with his brother.
River says, "know that", "trust it".
I love you four. I love all of these years. August 2007. October 2009. May 2010. Today. Tonight reading your post.
Keep evolving. It's beautiful and loving. Nothing is wrong.
Chris
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